Saturday, September 13, 2008


This is a blog about blogging:

Do you want to be read as a blogger?

When I started Blogging 4 years ago I kept my blog in a HBT-community - a slightly odd choice since I'm not that HBT myself.
Looking back though, it actually makes perfect sense. I wanted some spot in the world where I could write my thoughts without being judged.
I didn't dare be that personal, which however helped me rebuild my entire carachter. In my blog I started describing the aspects and thoughts I liked in my life. I guess that's been the on-going theme throughout all these years of blogging.

I'm still hessative towards being read by people I know, I think it's easier to imagine any possible reader unknown to me, if any. When it comes to people I know I like to tell them what's on my mind directly instead of via any for of gadget between us.

I have one bloglisting which to me is the essence of my writing, the one were I first touched the subject of my depression. I suffer from depression, I medicate and I strugle with finding a meaning and a way... In my first blogs I only touch this very vaugly, as a reader you might not even sense those entries I made when I was crying my eyes out, when all I could think about was life as a big black hole, sucking me in. Also hidden are all the destructivde things i did.
Instead I filled it with very poetic entries, I took plenty of time to phrase every sentence perfectly, to my own surprice I got a few regular readers.

A friend of mine told me the other day that "you always run when people get too close" and that's the case sometimes...
My readers came to close to me, so I felt I couldn't write as freely as I wanted to.
I started a new alter-ego and a new blog, but old readers got onto me and I moved away.

Meanwhile I began writing a script for a book, which kept me busy for quite some time. It's only when that was over and done that I really started blogging again.
I found my place in Benrikland.

Benrikland is a place based for readers of the benrik-calander. The calander is released once a year and it states different tasks (per week) for it's readers to do.
If I were looking for a meaning in life benrik gave me just that for a couple of months. During thagt time I had also started with improvisational Theather, in many ways I had started to make my life contain things I wanted it to consist of and eventually I didn't need Benrikland to spice up my life.

I went on to Myspace to write about whatever, and also to keep contact with people I got to know while living in Prague. (that's how I ended up there.)
Myspace is also the place were I first was upfront about my depression, I was so embaressed and hessative when I wrote that entry. However I never got so much support and understanding as for that entry. Which made me realize that hiding it from people might not be the best solution for anyone.
This blogging thing has been a long journey for me and now I've ended up here, all words united.

I am what I am and I'm not hiding anymore.

To answer the question about weather you want your blog to be read or not, in my case it's not always the truth. The thought of someone reading some very special entries scares me AND at the same time it makes me stronger in myself.
In the end my words might not change you, but they've changed me.

p.s. I've lost 2 blogs into the depths of internet.
If someone happends to find them, please return to sender.

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