Friday, August 8, 2008

What is love?

I’ve been avoiding ”The ferry” ’cause at one point I dated a guy who used to work there.
I guess that was the last time I was infatuated by someone. For real!

I joined my friend that night. How ever she managed to convince me I don’t know, but I went along to Åland. From nowhere I meet this really cute guy, I’m drunk and a couple of hours later I’m naked in his cabinet wearing only his tie.
Over the years I’ve learned that sex is one thing, and him being that easy… I didn’t mean much. And for me he didn’t mean much. Except I actually loved his laugher.

We exchanged phone numbers and talked and even on the phone he had the most glorious laugh. I never told him but I melted like butter on a sunny day.
I never knew what he thought, I guess I was just fun and that’s the way I tried to see it. I liked him but I didn’t act like I needed confirmation in that way. Quite the opposite. I tried staying calm and collected. Not asking for him to show me any more affection than necessary. I figured I was just another shag on his continuous travelling between here and Åland. But he just might learn to like me… or not. I took it easy and for what it was.

Come one Saturday.
One problem was that he didn’t live close to eachother, and then he was away for ten days each. And I’ve since long decided not to plan my life around anyone else if they don’t ask for it in a proper way. I do not sit around just in case the guy I want to meet might want to meet me.
He’s one this party and in a drunken state of mind (this is after our second date when we went for dinner and just snogged) he decides to call me. He talks to me and then in the background some girl starts to talk to him and he just hangs up - as if having better things to do...
And I went totally blank. I mean we warrant boyfriend – girlfriend, but we dated and that was damn rude.

As I’m writing this I realise even more that he really didn’t care, but then I don’t get anything. Is confirmation my middle name?
Anyway, that hurt me, and convinced me we where just friends, that’s all he wanted. So I told him. And that kind of killed everything...

In a way I’m happy it did. Cause then he couldn’t hurt me further down the line… On the other hand I’m still avoiding him, in every sense of the word.Although some nights I just want to tell him how much I’m puzzled about what really happened, cause I really don’t get it.
Why did he call back and want to date and then want to have snuggle and then call and let me hear him with this girl and then when I realise we're just friends that's no good either?

And I write this while being secure with my now-boyfriend. Yes, it is safer to be with him than to tell and ask the Åland-guy why things turned out the way they did.
He's a slut either way.
I, who am trying to overcome my fears. Especially those regarding my emotions.
I want them back. I am a failure in trying to express those. But trust the fact that I want to be able to tell the people I like that that’s the way it really is.
In some ways… That’s why I wrote this.

For me and glorious emotional struggles that has been, for me hoping, that I'll never do the same misstake again on those rare occaitions when I find someone I really am curious about.

Love those you love

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