Bloglife

This is a blog about blogging:

Question:
Do you want to be read as a blogger?

When I started Blogging 4 years ago I kept my blog in a HBT-community - a slightly odd choice since I'm not that HBT myself.
Looking back though, it actually makes perfect sense. I wanted some spot in the world where I could write my thoughts without being judged.
I didn't dare be that personal, which however helped me rebuild my entire carachter. In my blog I started describing the aspects and thoughts I liked in my life. I guess that's been the on-going theme throughout all these years of blogging.

I'm still hessative towards being read by people I know, I think it's easier to imagine any possible reader unknown to me, if any. When it comes to people I know I like to tell them what's on my mind directly instead of via any for of gadget between us.

I have one bloglisting which to me is the essence of my writing, the one were I first touched the subject of my depression. I suffer from depression, I medicate and I strugle with finding a meaning and a way... In my first blogs I only touch this very vaugly, as a reader you might not even sense those entries I made when I was crying my eyes out, when all I could think about was life as a big black hole, sucking me in. Also hidden are all the destructivde things i did.
Instead I filled it with very poetic entries, I took plenty of time to phrase every sentence perfectly, to my own surprice I got a few regular readers.

A friend of mine told me the other day that "you always run when people get too close" and that's the case sometimes...
My readers came to close to me, so I felt I couldn't write as freely as I wanted to.
I started a new alter-ego and a new blog, but old readers got onto me and I moved away.

Meanwhile I began writing a script for a book, which kept me busy for quite some time. It's only when that was over and done that I really started blogging again.
I found my place in Benrikland.

Benrikland is a place based for readers of the benrik-calander. The calander is released once a year and it states different tasks (per week) for it's readers to do.
If I were looking for a meaning in life benrik gave me just that for a couple of months. During thagt time I had also started with improvisational Theather, in many ways I had started to make my life contain things I wanted it to consist of and eventually I didn't need Benrikland to spice up my life.

I went on to Myspace to write about whatever, and also to keep contact with people I got to know while living in Prague. (that's how I ended up there.)
Myspace is also the place were I first was upfront about my depression, I was so embaressed and hessative when I wrote that entry. However I never got so much support and understanding as for that entry. Which made me realize that hiding it from people might not be the best solution for anyone.
This blogging thing has been a long journey for me and now I've ended up here, all words united.

I am what I am and I'm not hiding anymore.

To answer the question about weather you want your blog to be read or not, in my case it's not always the truth. The thought of someone reading some very special entries scares me AND at the same time it makes me stronger in myself.
In the end my words might not change you, but they've changed me.

p.s. I've lost 2 blogs into the depths of internet.
If someone happends to find them, please return to sender.

Another blonde!

We have a couple of blondes in my class. I can’t tell them apart.
I realised this the other day when one of them walked in and then came the other one and I thought "Weren't you just here?"

I've never really got why being a blonde was such a big thing, excitingly enough I myself is a blonde, but choose not to be because I think it's a very dull colour which erases most personal traits of a face, Blonde to me is the essence of being beige.
And just as it's harder for Asian people to tell one Westerner from the other I've got the same issue with blondes, they all just look blonde.
To me their faces fade.

I've decided...

I'm gonna organize my life!

The frog just ate my beer.

he just sat there
looking as cute and innocent as only he can
ate my beer
left me with nothing

damn all cute frogs

What is love?

I’ve been avoiding ”The ferry” ’cause at one point I dated a guy who used to work there.
I guess that was the last time I was infatuated by someone. For real!

I joined my friend that night. How ever she managed to convince me I don’t know, but I went along to Åland. From nowhere I meet this really cute guy, I’m drunk and a couple of hours later I’m naked in his cabinet wearing only his tie.
Over the years I’ve learned that sex is one thing, and him being that easy… I didn’t mean much. And for me he didn’t mean much. Except I actually loved his laugher.

We exchanged phone numbers and talked and even on the phone he had the most glorious laugh. I never told him but I melted like butter on a sunny day.
I never knew what he thought, I guess I was just fun and that’s the way I tried to see it. I liked him but I didn’t act like I needed confirmation in that way. Quite the opposite. I tried staying calm and collected. Not asking for him to show me any more affection than necessary. I figured I was just another shag on his continuous travelling between here and Åland. But he just might learn to like me… or not. I took it easy and for what it was.

Come one Saturday.
One problem was that he didn’t live close to eachother, and then he was away for ten days each. And I’ve since long decided not to plan my life around anyone else if they don’t ask for it in a proper way. I do not sit around just in case the guy I want to meet might want to meet me.
He’s one this party and in a drunken state of mind (this is after our second date when we went for dinner and just snogged) he decides to call me. He talks to me and then in the background some girl starts to talk to him and he just hangs up - as if having better things to do...
And I went totally blank. I mean we warrant boyfriend – girlfriend, but we dated and that was damn rude.

As I’m writing this I realise even more that he really didn’t care, but then I don’t get anything. Is confirmation my middle name?
Anyway, that hurt me, and convinced me we where just friends, that’s all he wanted. So I told him. And that kind of killed everything...

In a way I’m happy it did. Cause then he couldn’t hurt me further down the line… On the other hand I’m still avoiding him, in every sense of the word.Although some nights I just want to tell him how much I’m puzzled about what really happened, cause I really don’t get it.
Why did he call back and want to date and then want to have snuggle and then call and let me hear him with this girl and then when I realise we're just friends that's no good either?

And I write this while being secure with my now-boyfriend. Yes, it is safer to be with him than to tell and ask the Åland-guy why things turned out the way they did.
He's a slut either way.
But I, who am trying to overcome my fears. Especially those regarding my emotions.
I want them back. I am a failure in trying to express those. But trust the fact that I want to be able to tell the people I like that that’s the way it really is. In some ways… That’s why I wrote this.

For me and glorious emotional struggles that has been, for me hoping, that I'll never do the same misstake again on those rare occaitions when I find someone I really am curious about.

Love those you love

Visby

I noticed i was seated on row no 9 which surely must have been the reason for my safe landing. Cheers from gotland

Organizing Life

I've come to realize that more and more I'm organizing my entire life on the web.

- I keep my friends on facebook
- Some other friends on myspace
- My movies on filmtipset.se
- And my thoughts here...

Now I'm sitting here, wondering if that's a good thing.